Mother's Day.....
Mother's Day is the single most difficult day of the year for me.
Five years ago I was cut off from my children and had to fight just to spend any time with my two youngest.
Being cut off from the children I have loved so fiercely since the moment I learned of their existence was shattering. Embarrassing. Shaming. Traumatizing. It does not get any easier with each passing year.
I have always told them two things.
One, if everybody in this world was the same (as in not different from themselves), what a boring and unoriginal world this would be!!! I have seen and heard so much discrimination, stereotyping, shunning and scorning people for 'different views', that I strove to instill open minds in my children. To teach them to be more accepting. To have two ears open to listen, an open heart to love, and two open arms to hug........
The second thing was to always do their best. It didn't matter if they messed up, decided to 'go against the grain', or got a lousy mark on their test at school. I only wanted them to do their best. And no matter the outcome, I would always love them unconditionally. They were perfectly imperfect. I would always love them for them. No matter what.
So it was devastating to me to be told that my best was not good enough for them.
My confidence was shattered.
I believed it when people said I didn't deserve to be a mother.
I believed it when people said they were better off without me.
I believed I deserved it when I was shunned, isolated, dragged through the mud, destroyed.
I still fight those feelings......
No one ever asked me if I was okay.
No one ever asked me if I was coping alright; if I needed anything.
I let myself drown in the traumas and my brain could not cope.
My world was smashed to bits and I am still trying to piece the tiny shards together.......
This time of year hurts. It hurts like hell. There is no closure or moving forward.
But I never give up hope. I never stop loving. And I will never stop doing my best, even if my best for today is simply taking one breath at a time........
I miss you, my sweet, beautiful children.
You are so very loved and always will be.
My hope for you is what keeps me alive....
Five years ago I was cut off from my children and had to fight just to spend any time with my two youngest.
Being cut off from the children I have loved so fiercely since the moment I learned of their existence was shattering. Embarrassing. Shaming. Traumatizing. It does not get any easier with each passing year.
I have always told them two things.
One, if everybody in this world was the same (as in not different from themselves), what a boring and unoriginal world this would be!!! I have seen and heard so much discrimination, stereotyping, shunning and scorning people for 'different views', that I strove to instill open minds in my children. To teach them to be more accepting. To have two ears open to listen, an open heart to love, and two open arms to hug........
The second thing was to always do their best. It didn't matter if they messed up, decided to 'go against the grain', or got a lousy mark on their test at school. I only wanted them to do their best. And no matter the outcome, I would always love them unconditionally. They were perfectly imperfect. I would always love them for them. No matter what.
So it was devastating to me to be told that my best was not good enough for them.
My confidence was shattered.
I believed it when people said I didn't deserve to be a mother.
I believed it when people said they were better off without me.
I believed I deserved it when I was shunned, isolated, dragged through the mud, destroyed.
I still fight those feelings......
No one ever asked me if I was okay.
No one ever asked me if I was coping alright; if I needed anything.
I let myself drown in the traumas and my brain could not cope.
My world was smashed to bits and I am still trying to piece the tiny shards together.......
This time of year hurts. It hurts like hell. There is no closure or moving forward.
But I never give up hope. I never stop loving. And I will never stop doing my best, even if my best for today is simply taking one breath at a time........
I miss you, my sweet, beautiful children.
You are so very loved and always will be.
My hope for you is what keeps me alive....
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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